Hopelessy Romantic or Hopelessly Stupid

Okay, so this is kinda to explain the last blog post. So I was seeing this girl for the last 2-3 weeks or so. Lets get this out of the way, she's pretty awesome. Except she's also awesomely terrible. How do those two things co-exist? Glad you asked.

So lets start with the good stuff. She's gorgeous, she's smart, she's funny. She doesn't appear to be evil and/or crazy (fingers crossed). She also seems really interested in me, that's always a plus. Our first date was amazing, we talked for hours and it seemed like no time had passed. We could only tell how late it was because the staff were starting to bring the chairs in from the patio.

Now lets start with the bad stuff. She CONSTANTLY changes/moves/bails on plans. Every single date we've been on (which at my count is 2 1/2) has been either postponed, cancelled or she has arrived late. Now not 5-15 minutes late, we're talking over 30 minutes. That's how you get 1/2 a date. Our second date was a paltry 30 minute meeting that she squeezed me into. I mean wtf is that? That's not even the worst part. So our last date, she arrived approximately 45 minutes late. But then it was proceeded by an amazing night. Awesome you say? Not so fast. We have such a good time, she wants to hang out a couple days later. Cool, except that she pretty much disappears for the next three days practically.

We finally text a bit, she apologizes (which she's had to an awful lot over a span of two weeks). I tell her that I had a really great time with her, miss her and would like to plan to see her again. She says that I'm cute and sweet and she likes spending time with me, but she doesn't know when it may happen again as she's really busy as things have been popping up unexpectedly. Okay, LAMEST ANSWER EVER. If you really want somebody or something in your life, you'll make the time. Don't tell me that you think I'm awesome, only to throw some backdoor insult my way in the same sentence.

Then she phones me up to plan when to meet up next. Guess what, her phone cuts out all of a sudden. I call her back, she can't pick up because her dogs are giving her trouble. I tell her she can call me later, but she doesn't. The next day she says her phone died! Like literally it's not working anymore.

So here's the last straw. This past weekend, she asks what I'm doing, as if we're going to meet on Saturday night. I respond that I didn't have anything planned. And I knew she didn't. Until a few hours later she says some dinner came up with friends that she never sees anymore.

Then on Sunday evening she's not doing anything, but she's tired. I said even though she's tired, does she want to meet to do something quick, like coffee, or maybe something relaxing like a movie. She said she'd call me. Did that happen? Of course not. I get a text around midnight saying she fell asleep.

This is just stupid ridiculous. Crappy part, is she left her sweater at my place. Now it's stuck here, and it reminds me of her. You can only apologize for the same thing so much, I figure, you don't really mean it, otherwise it wouldn't keep happening with such frequency.

I hate using this term, but FML, WTF. I guess I won't be contacting her again. Hence, Bye Bye Bye...

I wish this song was angrier, it'd be perfect...

(Hey, Hey)

N'Sync - Bye, Bye, Bye

Bye, Bye, Bye
Bye, Bye...
Bye, Bye...
Oh, Oh..

I'm doin' this tonight,
You're probably gonna start a fight.
I know this can't be right.
Hey baby come on, 
I loved you endlessly,
When you weren't there for me.
So now it's time to leave and make it alone
I know that I can't take no more 
It ain't no lie
I wanna see you out that door
Baby, bye, bye, bye...

Bye Bye
Don't wanna be a fool for you
Just another player in your game for two
You may hate me but it ain't no lie,
Baby, bye, bye, bye...
Bye Bye
Don't really wanna make it tough,
I just wanna tell you that I had enough.
It might sound crazy,
But it ain't no lie,
Baby, bye, bye, bye

(Oh, Oh)
Just hit me with the truth,
Now, girl you're more than welcome to.
So give me one good reason, 
Baby come on
I live for you and me, 
And now I really come to see, 
That life would be much better once you're gone.

I know that I can't take no more
It ain't no lie,
I wanna see you out that door
Baby, bye, bye, bye...
Bye Bye
Don't wanna be a fool for you
Just another player in your game for two
You may hate me but it ain't no lie,
Baby Bye, bye, bye...
Bye Bye
Don't really wanna make it tough,
I just wanna tell you that I had enough (ooh ooh)
It might sound crazy,
But it ain't no lie,
Baby, bye, bye, bye

I'm giving up I know for sure
I don't wanna be the reason for your love no more
Bye Bye
I'm checkin' out
I'm signin' off
Don't wanna be the loser and I've had enough

Don't wanna be your fool
In this game for two
So I'm leavin' you behind
Bye, bye, bye...

I don't wanna make it tough (wanna make it tough)
But I had enough
And it ain't no lie (Bye, bye baby...)
Bye, Bye
Don't wanna be a fool for you
Just another player in your game for two (I don't wanna be your fool)
But it ain't no lie
Baby bye, bye, bye...

Don't really wanna make it tough (don't really wanna make it tough),
I just wanna tell you that I had enough (that I had enough).
Might sound crazy,
But it ain't no lie,
Bye, bye, bye

Sticking to Your Guns

I find I try to accommodate people as much as I can. I can be a pretty easy going person when it comes to things. But I'm finding more recently, maybe this is not a very good way of being.

It can really come across as being indifferent or even worse, a lack of principle. I suppose part of it comes from the fact that there is such a negative connotation to disagreeing. You know what, that's total bullshit. Why is it a negative about having a differing opinion over something than somebody else? Sure, we always say everybody is entitled to their opinions, yet it's something we all get fired up over.

Going with the flow can be great. But not all the time.

In the end, it's better for people to know how you really feel, than to just go along with stuff. Because your opinion is part of who you are, no matter how small. If you disagree with someone, then that's fine. If they don't want to know you anymore because of it, depending on what you're disagreeing over, it can be outright petty. And why agree to something just to get onto somebody's good side? Even if it's something small, it's like you're giving in your principles to appease somebody else. If it's really that small, then it should be no big deal (you would think). And if somebody takes offence to it, then wow, overblown.

There's this saying that the truth will set you free. Before I really only understood it from the level of it would free you of guilt from the lie. But now I see it in a whole new light. Stick to your guns, because at the end of the day, they'll be your greatest defender as well as your biggest advocate.

Online Dating, Take Five (I think)

Okay, so I've decided to give this online dating thing another shot at the perpetual requests of my best friend Darren.

Anybody who's been reading my blog for awhile, or knows me in real life (the chances are it's both), you know that I've been trying online dating on and off again for the last couple of years with varying results. Varying is actually being complimentary, more accurate would probably be disappointing. Don't get me wrong, I've met some great girls, but it's never gone anywhere longer than dating for a month or two. The more frequent result has been meeting a lot of girls ranging from okay to down right crazy.

Here goes nothing. *Deep Breath*

UPDATE:
I started to write this posting about a week and a half ago. Since then I've had one date, with two more scheduled. I know it hasn't been that long since I last tried it, but I forgot quite a few things about this whole dating thing.

First is how much work it is. Ploughing through profile after profile. Sometimes things catch your eye, most of them don't. Then the ones that do, reading through them, then trying to write something engaging that will coerce a response.

Second I forgot how frustrating it can be. It's like sending out a message into outer space, you sit and wait and wait and wait, a reply is not guaranteed. At least in person, the answer is immediate, regardless if you like the answer or not.

Third is that it how it comes in waves, I could go for streaks with nothing happening. Then all of a sudden within a span of a week or two, I have to try and slot in a whole bunch of girls, without giving them the idea there's a whole bunch of girls. That, all the while trying to keep enough time to enjoy my regular activities and get the normal stuff done.

But the thing I forgot most of all, is how much fun it can be. While I complain about it, and it's emotionally draining, good things do come out of it from time to time. 

Maybe the problem I had before was my approach. Maybe I've too goal oriented with the whole thing. I should just enjoy the process of meeting new girls, whether the outcome is good or bad. I never really thought about it, but forming a relationship can't be planned. It either happens or it doesn't, what I should do is focus on what's happening now and take it one date at a time. 

And I guess that's the thing that I always found most frustrating about it. It's like painting a picture without a plan in mind. In the past, I would have a picture in mind, and would be trying to fill it with what I had at hand, and when that didn't pan out, it was annoying. I guess now it's more that I should enjoy painting one tree at a time, maybe a lake or some ducks. Who knows, maybe it's not even a nature landscape at all!

I suppose that's what makes it frustrating, scary, yet strangely exhilarating all at the same time.

What if...?

I find myself lately asking a lot of what ifs. It was spurred by an evening approximately a month ago (yes, I am behind on blogging).

I was asked to sub for a vball team on a Thursday night, no problem. Funnily enough, everybody on the team is from the neighbourhood that we had moved away from almost 25 years ago. At the time I was 7, and I remember being completely devastated by the whole ordeal. I was upset for weeks, if not months. There's a photo of me on moving day, sitting in a corner crying my eyes out!

It was the only place I knew. All my friends were there, and we did everything together. Swimming lessons, skating lessons, boy scouts, soccer... we would ride our bikes around the neighbourhood and climb the fences in the backyards. There was a real sense of community there. In the neighbourhood we moved to, forget neighbourhood, there wasn't even roads built yet!

After vball was over, we all went to the bar. It was like I was entrenched in an alternate universe where what may have happened if we hadn't moved. While none of these people were my friends or even in my grade back in the early 80s, they all came from the same place. They had grown up with each other for the past 20+ years. They all went to the same barbershops, ate at the same restaurants, played on the same baseball teams, even knew random people at the bar, it was like walking into Cheers! I told one of the girls that I use to live there and had moved away. When I told her it was to Mississauga, the first thing she said was "yeah, nobody is 'from' Mississauga". That wrapped it up quite succinctly. It made me think of all the things I missed out on by my family moving. So much so, in fact it made me quite bitter inside.

This stuck with me for days, if not weeks. It made me wonder how my life would've been different if we had not moved away when I was a kid. It started making me wonder about big turning points in my life. Events that drastically changed the course of my life. How would my life be different if certain things had or had not happened. I know I've been trying very hard not to live in the past and dissect all the maybes and what ifs, which is a HUGE flaw of mine, but I really couldn't help it.

1) Moving Day
As outlined above. The area of Toronto I use to live in was a fully established, long standing neighbourhood.  My mom actually spent her teens and went to high school in a neighbourhood that was close by. I was in all sorts of community activities when I lived there. When we moved, there wasn't even grass for the first year or two, let alone a swimming pool, community center, library, etc... The elementary school I was enrolled in had a total of 150-200 students, each grade having only 1 class of no more than 25 students. By contrast, the first elementary school I had in Mississauga had over 5 times that amount of students.

2) What's Your Major?
I had a pretty tough time choosing what I wanted to study in university. I applied for 5 different programs, CompSci, Accounting, Business, Physics, and my eventual major Graphic Design. I only applied for Graphic Design because I enjoyed Visual Art and a friend of a friend in my art class told me that's what he was doing. Really had no idea what Graphic Design was, but I wanted to keep doing art. In fact, initially I was rejected by my program and I had decided to take Accounting/Business at another university, until a week later when a spot opened for me in the Graphic Design program.

That would've been huge. I could've been an accountant. I would've lived away from home for university. A completely different set of experiences, during a formative time. I know one thing for sure, I wouldn't be wearing jeans, tshirt and boat shoes to work like I am right now.

3) Cheater, Cheater...
As I mentioned in previous posts, there was a girl in university that I have recently become reacquainted with. We were pretty close friends and for quite awhile I was heavily debating whether to leave my now ex gf for her. She has all the aspects that I was looking for that my ex did not, but had no ambition or drive. In hindsight, that was probably less of a deal breaker than being anti-social.

I have no idea what would've happened if I had decided to break up with my ex back then and go for it with the other girl. Maybe we'd still be together. Maybe we would've broken up shortly after. Dum dum dum!

4) The Break Up
Of course this would end up here. Let's say my ex gf and I ended up getting married? Would I have eventually succumbed to the circumstances? Would I have been stuck in an unhappy family situation? Would we have gotten divorced?

Clubland Revisited

The club scene has never been my thing. When I do go, I enjoy myself for the most part, but I find the superficiality, snootiness and snideness of it all, extremely off-putting. And whenever I go, I somehow end up feeling like the babysitter, the big brother or the parent of at least one person.

It was my friend's bday last night, she wanted to go to a club to drink/dance. I think it was about a 50/50 split as to which she wanted to do more. 

This is the same girl who took off from that party last Labour Day and had us scouring the streets of Greektown. Low and behold, we ended up doing the same thing last night, except at least the search area was contained within the club. 

Despite all this, she's been a good friend, so I decide to go. I hadn't been to a club in easily 4 years. Last night was a good reminder why I haven't. While I try my best to enjoy myself, and to an extent I do (I mean come on, girls dressed to impress, dancing, how could a guy not enjoy that), I really do not like the environment.

I remember reading something about my horoscope once (don't judge!), said something about scorpios having an obsession with the truth and death. I can attest to both of those. I can't think of a more fake place in the city than a nightclub. I get it, it's suppose to be frivolous, empty fun. To me it really seems to be a sham. Mass escapism, unless all the people at these clubs behave this way 24/7, which I really hope not. If I had to wrap up the behaviour that occurs in a sentence, it would go like this. People get glammed up, strut around like they're the shit, and feel completely entitled to act like bitches/assholes. The part of me that looks for the truth, is hoping that there isn't a large section of humanity that chooses to be this way, so I hope that this behaviour isn't real. But if it is real, then it feels like it's scraping the bottom of the barrel. In both cases, it's a lose-lose.

And get this, it's SUPER expensive! I didn't even have dinner, go full out on the drinking or including the bday present. Here's the breakdown

$10 parking

$15 pre-drink

$10 taxis

$20 cover

$5 coat check

$40 drinks

That was easily $100! WTF. I can think of at least 25 ways off the top of my head to spend $100 that would be at least as much fun and more worthwhile.

In the immortal words of Lt. Murtough from Lethal Weapon "I'm getting too old for this shit".

If I can take anything away from the night, is that I am still kind of young. While having 10 drinks within 3 hours, dance for 4 hours, then drive people home, drive back to my place, wake up 4.5 hours later (damn you sun) with only a small hangover and off to volleyball. 

Figuring Things Out

"You Earn Everything You Get", I don't know if this is a common saying or not, if not, then I'm making it up right now. It's basically the mantra I suppose I grew up on. Or maybe it's the lesson that stuck the most. If it is, then I'm glad that it's the one.

 It holds true for the most part. Sometimes people don't get what they deserve, both good and bad, but I'd like to think that the whole "you reap what you sow" plays out. Where my saying differs, is that sometimes you don't reap what you sow. The weather, soil and other things play a major role. Luck and outside sources can play out very much according to that saying. I'd like to think otherwise, but perhaps that is my nature playing out in wanting to believe that A) I am in control of my own destiny and B) If you put enough effort into something, things are bound to work out.

 But as time has gone on, I've come to the realization that luck (and politics) tend to play a much larger part in life than I was led to believe. I suppose that's what it all comes down to.

Maybe things aren't bound to work out. But if that's the case, then why even try? At the end of it all, you don't get anything if you don't try. I guess you have to have some amount of faith. Maybe that's my problem.