The Dating Game

By referencing dating as a game, would mean there's a winner and a loser. At any given point, you can be either ahead or behind (usually in relation to the person you're dating). I have always been against this metaphor, because I hate thinking about it this way. Yet after all this time, I can't help but feel that it's true. There are times when I feel like I'm 'winning' and others when I'm 'losing'.

There are two ways this works. First in reference to yourself in relation to a person you are seeing. It generally goes that whoever is more sought after, is winning. For example, the last, if you want to call it a relationship, sure, I was losing most of the time. Or as my BFF would like to put it, who has the upper hand.

The second way is playing against the field. This goes more along the lines of batting average. It's gotten pretty statistical. Messages to Reply rate, First Date percentage, Second Date percentage, etc... Just like any other form of statistics, the data can be skewed.

Okay so why do I hate the metaphor exactly? It implies gamesmanship as opposed to just acting how you feel. Has the concern become more about winning and losing rather than finding somebody who you enjoy somebody's company? Is saving face more important that putting yourself out there?

Unfortunately it would seem the answer is yes. Every action and decision is deliberate and meant to send a particular message to the other person. Having said this, does anybody actually act based on what they feel?

If I want to message, talk or go out with a girl, I will try to get in touch with them. Forget this whole waiting, just to appear that I am so busy or in demand and have other things going on. Sometimes yes, I am busy, but if I really want something, I'll put it ahead in the priority list. It reminds me of the Friends episode where they suggest Chandler to act aloof. What does that honestly gain him?

I guess once emotions get involved, that's when things get tricky. People waver back and forth as to what to do. BUT I generally think it's a pretty easy decision, people generally know what they feel and what they want to do, it's a matter of having the nerve to do it.

Are people willing to battle so hard as to have the upper hand, to save face, or basically win the game, that they put aside the true objective?

All the Right Moves

At least every week or two, my best friend and I have, what you could call strategy meetings. He takes quite the interest in my dating life.

The conversations go generally like this:

BFF: Hey buddy, how things going?

Me: Pretty good, busy. You?

BFF: It was alright, any dates lately?

Me: Yeah, here and there.

BFF: How'd they go?

Me: One of them was pretty good.

BFF: So how do you want to play it?

Here's where things get interesting. How do you want to play it? What does that exactly entail? When I first started dating again, it was interesting (and yet somewhat disturbing) to hear about the whole strategy of dating. Again, we go back to how it's all a game.*

It seems like every action and decision is deliberate and meant to send a message to the other person. Whatever happened to a simple, I like her, so I'll ask her out again, I don't like her, so I won't ask her out again? But I suppose, what relationship is simple.

It got me thinking, is there a right way and a wrong way to go about things? From speaking to a number of people, I don't know if there's a right and a wrong way, but there are certainly preferences as to how to do things. For instance, if you like a girl a lot, you'd better not show it. I mean WTF is that? If I like somebody, I'm clearly want the other person to know. I've never been one for subtlety, I feel something, it's going to show.

And really, it's more honest. I don't have time (or the patience) for games anymore.

When I look back at things, I always wonder, how could I have done things differently. At the moment I'm clearly thinking about things with the flaky, but in all other ways perfect girl. Did I come on too strong? For her, probably. Should I have kept more of a distance? Maybe.

If I had chosen to do things differently, would the outcome have been different? Would I be happier if I played things differently, but she was still in my life? Is doing what you feel the wrong way to go about it? Is there a right way to play it and a wrong way?

Then I ask, why should I have chosen to do things differently?

But does that really matter?

Shouldn't I just be me? Isn't that the right move?

To put things in the context of a game, it's not about being yourself, it's about winning. But in this game, you want to be yourself. But what if being yourself leads you to losing the game (which so far it has)?

That, in the end, is my dilemma.

*For more about 'the game', I'll talk more about the game in a future post. 

Don't Stop Believin'

No, this entry is not about Journey, or Rock of Ages, or any other pop culture references.

Admittedly, the last few weeks have been a little rough on the ego. A few people who are aware of my situation have even said as much. It's difficult to be on the up and up, and get thrashed around like a rag doll.

I was reading an article about a baseball who use to be one of the better pitchers, but is getting killed this year. It was advice from an older pitcher (from an opposing team) to him. He said something along the lines of, pitch smarter, don't try to get the strikeout on every pitch, but stay aggressive and believe in your stuff.

I've heard more than a few times that I will eventually find somebody. While I understand that people are trying to make me feel better, it never really did. But for some reason, the way the advice given to the pitcher, seemed to strike a chord in me (no pun intended).

For starters (again no put intended), nobody can promise that something will happen. That makes it incredibly difficult for me to take solace in the above line. Why should I believe it? It's not so much advice, as much as it's consolation.

Where this guy's advice to the struggling pitcher affected me was, that it's not that he's saying things will turn around. He doesn't know that. But he believes that the guy's talent, ability and work ethic that should hold up, and he just has to trust that will be enough to make things work out. I guess that's what I have to remember. That no matter how much I get beat up, that if I trust that I'm a good catch (wow, no pun intended again), eventually it'll happen. But I have to keep being aggressive, and putting myself out there. Because if I don't, that's a sure fire way that it won't happen.

Now for those of you that came here looking for Journey, here you go.




Journey - Don't Stop Believing

Just a small town girl

livin in a lonely world

she took the midnight train going anywhere



just a city boy

born and raised in south detroit

he took the midnight train going anywhere



a singer in a smoky room

a smell of wine and cheap perfume
f
or a smile they can share the night

it goes on and on and on and on

(Refrain)


Strangers, waiting, up and down the boulevard

their shadows searching in the night

streetlight people, living just to find emotion

hiding somewhere in the night



working hard to get my fill

everybody wants a thrill

paying anything to roll the dice

just one more time

some will win, some will lose

some were born to sing the blues


oh the movie never ends

it goes on and on and on and on




(Refrain)


Don't stop believing 

hold on to that feeling


On the Hook

As per the famous How I Met Your Mother episode. The definition according to Urban Dictionary, plus said HIMYM incident below.


A person who is "on the hook" will be overly infatuated with another person. The person who is the desired generally takes little notice (and often complete advantage) of the person who is on the hook.

Often times the person who is on the hook is a back-up.

Signs that you are on the hook:
1) giving foot rubs
2) making mixed tapes/cds/play lists
3) making chocolate cake
4) dropping everything at a moments notice to be with the other person.

Ted: "Lisa came over last night and I gave her a foot rub as we watched a move."
Marshall: "Are you guys dating now?"
Ted: "No, she is still with her boyfriend, she is just looking for the right time to break the news."
Marshall: "Dude, you are so on the hook."

It's terrible, it's a combination of the best feeling and worst feeling, wrapped into one person. As much as I would have hoped that I had more self respect than to settle being on the hook, apparently that's not the case. What's worse, is I know I'm on the hook, and yet continue to do so, somewhat willingly. WTF is the matter with me?! I know it's the occasional highs are what keep me coming back, but do I not have enough self control to get out of this vicious cycle?!

What's worse, is I know I've done it to other people too.

It Does Make Me Wonder...

Maroon 5 - Makes Me Wonder

Wake up with blood-shot eyes
Struggled to memorize
Way it felt to hearing lies
People that made you cry

Feel so good to be bad
Not worth the aftermath
After that, after that
Try to get you back

I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a thought about you

Give me something to believe in
'Cause I don't believe in you anymore, anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to try
Yeah, so this is goodbye

Can’t stop my spinning head
Decisions that made my bed
Now I must lay in it
Deal with things I've left unsaid

Want to dive into you
Forget what you're going through
Get behind, make your move
Forget about the truth

I still don't have a reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a thought about you

Give me something to believe in
'Cause I don't believe in you anymore, anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference
Even makes a difference to try, yeah

And you told me how you're feelin'
But I don't believe it's true anymore, anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
So this is goodbye

I've been here before, one day, a week
And it won't hurt anymore
You caught me in a lie, I have no alibi
The words you said don't have a meaning 'cause

I still don't have a reason and you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a thought about you and I
So this is goodbye

Give me something to believe in
'Cause I don't believe in you anymore, anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference
Even makes a difference to try, yeah

And you told me how you're feelin'
But I don't believe it's true anymore, anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
So this is goodbye

So this is goodbye
Yeah, so this is goodbye
Yeah, so this is goodbye

Keeping an Eye on the Prize

"Those who mind, don't mind. Those who matter, don't mind"
- Dr. Seuss

So the last month or my life has been pretty drama filled. Not particularly the kind that I like. Okay well more like 50/50. The highs have been so high and the lows pretty low.

I guess I've been getting hung up on things (specifically people), and it feels like it's holding me back. These people have/had the possibility of moving my life forward. But for the last little while, it is starting to become clear to me that maybe (or more likely probably), these people aren't going to fulfill my long term goals. Not from what I can tell for now at least.

But I can't help feeling the way I do. Though it's making me feel pretty stupid. This is where I wish I could be more robotic, and let logic prevail. I've never been that way though, and I guess that what makes me less adaptable and slower to move on. I really wish I could change that about myself, but it feels like it's something that is deep down that might be just part of the core of who I am. As my mom says "you're making the same stupid mistakes that you did 15+ years ago".

What I can do however, is change my focus. I did some sports psychology courses when I was younger, and one of the things they tried to do, was in order to forget when things didn't go your way earlier, was to stay focused on the main goal. While this singular focus can make a person kind of oblivious, it really is a way of kicking all the distractions out. Maybe I should employ this tactic in my life. And I guess it kind of makes sense, you can't really change things that have happened or things and even people that are around you. But what you can do, is to stay concentrated on what will make you happy, and do your best to ignore the things that are not. Or even better, is to cut away the things that are causing you grief. Because what purpose is it serving other than annoyance and frustration?

I have kind of done my best to move away from this goal oriented approach to life the last few years. As I found out, that as many plans you may have laid out in front of you, that things rarely work out as you think they should. This was a set up for major disappointment, and I started to go into a wait and see approach to life. While this change of pace for a few years was needed, both mentally and emotionally, it feels like it's time to get back on track. Working towards gaining things in my life, rather than just letting things come to me.

Things That Bother Me - A Special Online Dating Edition

Alright, so I gripe and complain and whine about dating, specifically online dating. Everybody is like, but you get dates, and you could meet somebody, etc... Yes, these things are all true, but there are things very specific to online dating that are annoying. Let's start, shall we.

1) Snap Judgement
You're going to judge a person by a bunch of photos and a few paragraphs? Hells yeah. I am just as guilty as anybody else who's doing it. It's unfair and it sucks, but it is what it is.

2) The Misleading Photo
I understand you're trying to sell yourself, but there's selling yourself and then there's misrepresentation. Let's be fair about this. First of all, have a profile photo to begin with. Do people go on blind dates anymore? I think not. Secondly, include a photo of yourself on a regular day. Not when you were a bridesmaid or some new years party where you spent two hours dolling yourself up. I doubt you'll be spending that much time to get ready for a first date. Thirdly, profile photos should include at least one photo of the entire body. Listing yourself as 'fit' or 'curvy' or the ever non-descript 'average' tells me nothing. If anything I've learned, girls totally lie about this part.

3) The Empty Profile
The whole point of this is to get to know somebody. You want me to write something interesting to you other than "hey", then maybe you might want to actually divulge something about yourself.

4) If You're Not Active, Get Out
There are some profiles that are listed as last logging in well over a few months ago. Especially on eHarmony when they send you limited matches per day, stop wasting my damn matches if you're not on anymore. Number 3 also applies to this.

5) Quit the Games
We met on a dating website, like fuck! There's no need to play this game of cat and mouse. We both want to meet somebody, there's no point in playing hard to get. I'm not saying to make it super easy, but if you're going to lengths to see how far we'll go, then you're just being bitchy.

6) We're All Dating Multiple People
It should be fairly understood by this point. If you don't want to know the answer, don't ask. I know I don't.

7) Distance Matters
Okay I may be deemed a hypocrite based on my history of long distance relationships, but if you're not within an hour of diving distance, forget it. And to be fair, all the girls I went out with were just barely within an hour. :P

8) Give Me Something to Work With
This is somewhat of an expansion of number 3 (you have no idea how often it happens). Yes, I get you're a nice person, but please be something more than that. Also a sense of humour and/or wit would help greatly. Women have no idea that is a rare, vastly underrated and very appealing quality in a woman.

9) Let's Just Go Out
I get the whole 'three message' process. But really, if you answer the first one I send, you know it's coming, so lets just see where this goes and save both of us the time and energy of coming up with something to write.