I wrote a post just a short while ago called Coming Full Circle. Not so strangely, I had wrote a post with the same title, but different content last year.
Anyway, I've lived in my building for the last two years. I don't really participate in any sort of the social scene they have. I don't even use the facilities on my own too much! It's safe to say, I don't see a lot of people in my building other than in the elevators.
So I pulled into my parking spot after work last week, and I notice this cute girl pull into the spot two from the right of mine. I think I've seen her before with her boyfriend/husband most likely so I just brush it off and walk to the door. She follows shortly behind and we end up in the elevator together. I see her more closely and she looks SUPER familiar. She's from my past for sure, I just can't figure out where/when. I get the feeling I'm looking at her funny, because she's looking at me all weird too.
I decide to speak up and say "you look so familiar". She responds with the same thing. I was pretty sure she was from my late teens. I ask her if she worked at Winners. She said no. Next I asked if she went to Xavier, to which she responded yes. She graduated a year after me. It was starting to come back to me. I asked her name. She said it's Alison. When she said that, EVERYTHING came back to me in a blink of an eye.
In OAC, we met through a mutual friend, Anastasia (who had it seemed this weird crush on me, even though she had a boyfriend). Alison is just my type, she's smart, cute, girl next door type. So back in the days where I was much more care-free about my pursuits, I asked her out. She said yes, only to rescind her acceptance a couple days later. We never really spoke after that other than a friendly greeting in the last few months of my high school career.
I was just so shocked how I struggled to remember for 5 minutes, then in a blink of an eye all those memories just flooded right back into my mind like it was yesterday.
It was a good reminder that as time goes by, that while we remember the great things, that we do get over and eventually forget the bad things.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Why "A Long December"?
This post is in regards to the previous post of the song A Long December by The Counting Crows.
First off, I started going through a folder I had named "Master MP3" on what was my hard drive just before I made the switch over from Mac/PC to solely Mac, some of the files are 13 years old, craziness.
Back to the point of the story. I started going through the songs and most of them still hold up. I played A Long December, and the lyrics really struck a cord, much more so than any other time I had listened to the song. What I love about revisiting old songs, is how the meaning has changed or evolved for me over time, even though the lyrics remain the same. As per my post from a few weeks ago, 2012 has been a year to forget for me so far. Some interesting things and a couple of good things have happened, but it's been mostly crap.
As I was listening to the song, I couldn't help but have this flood of feelings. I started to wonder what my life would've been life if I had stayed with Shelley.
As I sat by myself in my den, as the song played in the background, I started getting flashbacks. And I couldn't help but get choked up, I had to stop myself from flashing back. People who know how frustrated I was when I was with Shelley ask me how I could miss her if I was so miserable. The fact is, she was a great girlfriend, we were just incompatible.
It's difficult to describe what it is that I miss exactly, I get the feeling people wouldn't be able to understand it if they have not been in a similar situation. It's like trying to describe what it's like to be in love. If I had to make an attempt, it would go something like this. It's not just butterflies and dreamy and all that jazz. That's just attraction. It's not just compatibility or sharing of moments together. You can have that with friends. It's even more than a deep understanding of who you are that, probably more than yourself. You can have that with family. It's really all three, and a lot more, rolled into one person.
People have asked me over the years a few times what I miss. I've never really put it into words, so here goes. Well all of the things above that I mentioned, but you really feel it at random moments. I miss coming home to a smiling face. I miss the little inside jokes that nobody else gets. I miss the random hug from behind if I was working late at home. I miss the little random humourous silly outbursts. I miss the little dances to music from tv commercials and sitcom themes. I miss the little hand gestures, like it's own little sign language. I miss making her stuffed animals peek around the corner to her.
*As I was writing the list above, I started to struggle to remember things. The fact that I am struggling to remember is a good thing I'm sure.
For those of you reading this wondering if I am in not over Shelley, the fact is I am. I know that our relationship could only get to a certain point, and in the end, there were key things we didn't see eye to eye on. When I write for my longing for the above, it's not to say that I want her, as much as to say I'd like to find the one. To have the feeling of the above back, and more.
I am constantly reminded (at least once a week) by my best friend Darren, how envious he is of my life as a bachelor. I think that's seriously messed up. If somebody cannot understand the above, then in my estimation, perhaps they don't know what it is to be in love. Or maybe, they do not to know what it's like to lose it.
PS - I remember the very first MP3 I received was from Shelley back in 1998, it was Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls.
First off, I started going through a folder I had named "Master MP3" on what was my hard drive just before I made the switch over from Mac/PC to solely Mac, some of the files are 13 years old, craziness.
Back to the point of the story. I started going through the songs and most of them still hold up. I played A Long December, and the lyrics really struck a cord, much more so than any other time I had listened to the song. What I love about revisiting old songs, is how the meaning has changed or evolved for me over time, even though the lyrics remain the same. As per my post from a few weeks ago, 2012 has been a year to forget for me so far. Some interesting things and a couple of good things have happened, but it's been mostly crap.
As I was listening to the song, I couldn't help but have this flood of feelings. I started to wonder what my life would've been life if I had stayed with Shelley.
As I sat by myself in my den, as the song played in the background, I started getting flashbacks. And I couldn't help but get choked up, I had to stop myself from flashing back. People who know how frustrated I was when I was with Shelley ask me how I could miss her if I was so miserable. The fact is, she was a great girlfriend, we were just incompatible.
It's difficult to describe what it is that I miss exactly, I get the feeling people wouldn't be able to understand it if they have not been in a similar situation. It's like trying to describe what it's like to be in love. If I had to make an attempt, it would go something like this. It's not just butterflies and dreamy and all that jazz. That's just attraction. It's not just compatibility or sharing of moments together. You can have that with friends. It's even more than a deep understanding of who you are that, probably more than yourself. You can have that with family. It's really all three, and a lot more, rolled into one person.
People have asked me over the years a few times what I miss. I've never really put it into words, so here goes. Well all of the things above that I mentioned, but you really feel it at random moments. I miss coming home to a smiling face. I miss the little inside jokes that nobody else gets. I miss the random hug from behind if I was working late at home. I miss the little random humourous silly outbursts. I miss the little dances to music from tv commercials and sitcom themes. I miss the little hand gestures, like it's own little sign language. I miss making her stuffed animals peek around the corner to her.
*As I was writing the list above, I started to struggle to remember things. The fact that I am struggling to remember is a good thing I'm sure.
For those of you reading this wondering if I am in not over Shelley, the fact is I am. I know that our relationship could only get to a certain point, and in the end, there were key things we didn't see eye to eye on. When I write for my longing for the above, it's not to say that I want her, as much as to say I'd like to find the one. To have the feeling of the above back, and more.
I am constantly reminded (at least once a week) by my best friend Darren, how envious he is of my life as a bachelor. I think that's seriously messed up. If somebody cannot understand the above, then in my estimation, perhaps they don't know what it is to be in love. Or maybe, they do not to know what it's like to lose it.
PS - I remember the very first MP3 I received was from Shelley back in 1998, it was Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls.
This Sounds About Right
A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaven'
Now the days go by so fast
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...I wish you would
The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California...I think you should
Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean...I guess I should
Friday, March 16, 2012
My Wish List
I think awhile ago I wrote a post in regards to what my type of girl is.
*The post was actually a few months ago, but I digress
As shallow as this may seem, here's a list of "nice to haves":
1) Athletic/Coordinated
This one teeters back and forth between "nice to have" and "must have". It's always been a big part of my life, so it's tough to see that not being a commonality. However I do admit, there's a very small percentage of girls that fall into this category, so for numbers-sake I'll go with "nice to have". Just so we're on the same page, there's a difference between athletic and coordinated. Sure you can run a marathon, but can you throw a ball?
2) She can dance.
I forgot how nice it is to dance with a girl who looks great doing it. A couple days ago at a concert, I ended up somewhat dancing with this girl who was sitting beside me at a concert. She was pretty cute, but after seeing her dance, pretty quickly went from cute to hot. Granted I can't dance that well, maybe I should work on that.
3) She has a nice voice/can sing.
You ever talk to somebody on the phone and imagine what they look like based on their voice? I know I do. If she can sing, it's all over.
4) Likes to wear heels.
I hear how uncomfortable they are, and from how they look from a physiological point of view, I can see how they would be. However from a superficial point of view, it overrides any sort of common sense I may have. As cheesy as this sounds, the sound of a girls heels clacking on the floor, I always end up taking a look.
5) Fashionable.
Don't confuse "trendy" with "fashionable". I don't want a girl who's constantly spending to keep up with the latest Juicy Couture has to offer, if anything I find that extremely unattractive. But a girl who knows what looks good on her is good stuff.
*The post was actually a few months ago, but I digress
As shallow as this may seem, here's a list of "nice to haves":
1) Athletic/Coordinated
This one teeters back and forth between "nice to have" and "must have". It's always been a big part of my life, so it's tough to see that not being a commonality. However I do admit, there's a very small percentage of girls that fall into this category, so for numbers-sake I'll go with "nice to have". Just so we're on the same page, there's a difference between athletic and coordinated. Sure you can run a marathon, but can you throw a ball?
2) She can dance.
I forgot how nice it is to dance with a girl who looks great doing it. A couple days ago at a concert, I ended up somewhat dancing with this girl who was sitting beside me at a concert. She was pretty cute, but after seeing her dance, pretty quickly went from cute to hot. Granted I can't dance that well, maybe I should work on that.
3) She has a nice voice/can sing.
You ever talk to somebody on the phone and imagine what they look like based on their voice? I know I do. If she can sing, it's all over.
4) Likes to wear heels.
I hear how uncomfortable they are, and from how they look from a physiological point of view, I can see how they would be. However from a superficial point of view, it overrides any sort of common sense I may have. As cheesy as this sounds, the sound of a girls heels clacking on the floor, I always end up taking a look.
5) Fashionable.
Don't confuse "trendy" with "fashionable". I don't want a girl who's constantly spending to keep up with the latest Juicy Couture has to offer, if anything I find that extremely unattractive. But a girl who knows what looks good on her is good stuff.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
On Job Satisfaction
After reading an interview on Esquire, I have a new mentor.
"I'm just happy to be in a place that I can wake up in the morning, help get my kids ready for school, be the family barista, drive my daughter to school, come to work, make television that gets seen that night, go home, have dinner with the family, bath time, a little TV, go to bed, and that's it.
It's all I really want — to work in an environment with people I like and respect, and who like and respect me, and who frankly let me do whatever the hell I want to do. As long as it stays like this, I'm happy to be here."
- Andy Richter, Conan O'Brian's sidekick
"I'm just happy to be in a place that I can wake up in the morning, help get my kids ready for school, be the family barista, drive my daughter to school, come to work, make television that gets seen that night, go home, have dinner with the family, bath time, a little TV, go to bed, and that's it.
It's all I really want — to work in an environment with people I like and respect, and who like and respect me, and who frankly let me do whatever the hell I want to do. As long as it stays like this, I'm happy to be here."
- Andy Richter, Conan O'Brian's sidekick
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Coming Full Circle
About 10 years ago, I was on the badminton team for the university. One day at practice, this gorgeous girl is just sitting there. Even though I had a girlfriend, I decide to approach her. It probably wasn't the most ethically decision, I didn't really think at the time there was any intent other than harmless chat.
Shortly after I would find out she was dating one of the guys on the badminton team. So I kind of left it along, but little did I know she would attend many practices and tournaments in future. I have to admit, that I got pretty excited when I saw that she was there. As I write this, I kind of sound like a jerk, considering at the time I was dating my now ex-girlfriend for a few years, who was away at university. But honestly, I can't think of too many instances where I'd be so excited to see somebody. Our friendship quickly grew, and we started getting closer and closer.
In hindsight, I was falling for her. My ex-girlfriend was always away, and she was extremely possessive at the time, and of course wanted nothing to do with my life and expected me to fold into hers. Whereas this girl, I was spending a lot of time together and she was hanging out with my friends and seemed genuinely interested in me. And the thing is, she knew fully well that I had a girlfriend, they did in fact meet a couple of times.
I was living in this huge moral dilemma filled with guilt. The whole badminton team thought I had broken the guy and her up. All my friends at school thought that she was my girlfriend (since they never met my actual girlfriend at the time). And some members of my family (mom in particular) really liked her a lot. I'm sure my ex had suspected something. The toughest thing of all was, all parties thought she liked me a lot.
Eventually everything came to an abrupt end. One day she was hanging out with me at my parents' house. Nobody else was home, and we were in my bedroom just chatting. It was time for her to go home, but she didn't want to... so she threw herself on my bed. At that very moment, I freaked out and told her she had to go home. I didn't call her for days. She eventually reached out and was really mad, and rightfully so. She didn't understand what I was going through. I told her we couldn't be friends anymore, and explained everything, except how I was feeling. She was upset and I was sad, but at the same time, I couldn't keep it up anymore. I had to choose, and I decided to stick with the girl I was technically with. It seemed like the stand up thing to do. I guess this might be one of the biggest regrets that I've ever had. While I still agree that my choice at the time was the moralistic choice, it probably was not the best choice emotionally.
Fast forward to present day. So I've been having a pretty rough 2012, as per my previous post. So I have my expiring eHarmony account, with one week left, guess who shows up as a match. Was I ever shocked. I wasn't too sure what to do with it. I didn't know if she was still upset. Or even if she would still remember me. After consulting a few sources, I decided to send her a message. She replied back fairly promptly, and to my surprise, not bitter. We exchanged a couple emails back and forth over a week. After talking to my mom, who went on to give me quite the lecture, I decided to ask to meet.
We met up last night, and she hadn't changed a bit. The first 5-10 minutes were a little awkward, but pretty soon we found out conversation groove. It was almost like old times again. I have to admit, I was pretty excited. Somewhere during our conversation, she made it quite clear that we were just friends meeting and it wasn't a date. While I found this deflating, I was just glad to be in her company and she didn't want to rip my arm off.
We ended off the night with the typical "we should do this again sometime". In this case, I definitely meant it. I can only hope that she did too. I'm doing my best not to look into things too deeply. It's completely possible that we may never see each other again, unfortunately it's something that I'll have to accept. It's something that I had accepted years ago up until a couple of weeks ago. So I don't know why it's so difficult to re-accept it now. Perhaps it's something that I accept, but will always regret.
Shortly after I would find out she was dating one of the guys on the badminton team. So I kind of left it along, but little did I know she would attend many practices and tournaments in future. I have to admit, that I got pretty excited when I saw that she was there. As I write this, I kind of sound like a jerk, considering at the time I was dating my now ex-girlfriend for a few years, who was away at university. But honestly, I can't think of too many instances where I'd be so excited to see somebody. Our friendship quickly grew, and we started getting closer and closer.
In hindsight, I was falling for her. My ex-girlfriend was always away, and she was extremely possessive at the time, and of course wanted nothing to do with my life and expected me to fold into hers. Whereas this girl, I was spending a lot of time together and she was hanging out with my friends and seemed genuinely interested in me. And the thing is, she knew fully well that I had a girlfriend, they did in fact meet a couple of times.
I was living in this huge moral dilemma filled with guilt. The whole badminton team thought I had broken the guy and her up. All my friends at school thought that she was my girlfriend (since they never met my actual girlfriend at the time). And some members of my family (mom in particular) really liked her a lot. I'm sure my ex had suspected something. The toughest thing of all was, all parties thought she liked me a lot.
Eventually everything came to an abrupt end. One day she was hanging out with me at my parents' house. Nobody else was home, and we were in my bedroom just chatting. It was time for her to go home, but she didn't want to... so she threw herself on my bed. At that very moment, I freaked out and told her she had to go home. I didn't call her for days. She eventually reached out and was really mad, and rightfully so. She didn't understand what I was going through. I told her we couldn't be friends anymore, and explained everything, except how I was feeling. She was upset and I was sad, but at the same time, I couldn't keep it up anymore. I had to choose, and I decided to stick with the girl I was technically with. It seemed like the stand up thing to do. I guess this might be one of the biggest regrets that I've ever had. While I still agree that my choice at the time was the moralistic choice, it probably was not the best choice emotionally.
Fast forward to present day. So I've been having a pretty rough 2012, as per my previous post. So I have my expiring eHarmony account, with one week left, guess who shows up as a match. Was I ever shocked. I wasn't too sure what to do with it. I didn't know if she was still upset. Or even if she would still remember me. After consulting a few sources, I decided to send her a message. She replied back fairly promptly, and to my surprise, not bitter. We exchanged a couple emails back and forth over a week. After talking to my mom, who went on to give me quite the lecture, I decided to ask to meet.
We met up last night, and she hadn't changed a bit. The first 5-10 minutes were a little awkward, but pretty soon we found out conversation groove. It was almost like old times again. I have to admit, I was pretty excited. Somewhere during our conversation, she made it quite clear that we were just friends meeting and it wasn't a date. While I found this deflating, I was just glad to be in her company and she didn't want to rip my arm off.
We ended off the night with the typical "we should do this again sometime". In this case, I definitely meant it. I can only hope that she did too. I'm doing my best not to look into things too deeply. It's completely possible that we may never see each other again, unfortunately it's something that I'll have to accept. It's something that I had accepted years ago up until a couple of weeks ago. So I don't know why it's so difficult to re-accept it now. Perhaps it's something that I accept, but will always regret.
Friday, February 17, 2012
This Should be Everybody's Anthem
Crush a bit, little bit, roll it up, take a hit
Feelin' lit, feelin' light, 2 a.m., summer night.
I don't care, hand on the wheel,
Drivin' drunk, I'm doin' my thing
Rollin in the Midwest side and out,
Livin' my life, getting' out dreams
People told me slow my roll,
I'm screaming out, fuck that
Imma do just what I want,
Lookin' ahead no turnin' back
If I fall, If I die,
Know I lived it to the fullest,
If I fall, if I die,
Know I lived and missed some bullets
CHORUS:
I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know,
Everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine, once I get it, I'll be goooood.
I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know,
Everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine, once I get it, I'll be goooood.
Tell me what you know about dreamin' (dreamin')
You don't really know about nothin' (nothin')
Tell me what you know about them night terrors, every night
5 a.m, cold sweats wakin' up, to the sky
Tell me what you know about dreams, dreams
Tell me what you know about night terrors, nothin'
You don't really care about the trials of tomorrow
Rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow
CHORUS:
I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know,
Everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be goooood.
I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know,
Everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine, once I get it, I'll be goooood.
I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know,
Everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine, once I get it, I'll be goooood.
I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know,
Everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold, hey
I'll be fine once I get it, yeah, I'll be good
I'm on the pursuit of happiness
And I know everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold, hey
I'll be fine once I get it, yeah
I'll be good
Pursuit of happiness, yeah.
I don't get it, I'll be good
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