Turkey: What I Learned...

I'm currently working on a summary of my recent trip to Turkey, but the post is taking forever. I'm on the fourth night working on it, so I thought I'd post this first.

I find every time I travel, I learn new, big things about myself. I'm not sure if I posted this last year, but the big overarching lesson I learned from going to France was, "Why am I waiting to do things?". The French seemed to just live in the moment more and did what they wanted. Unlike Canadians, they were quite unapologetic going abouts doing what they were doing. Not in a rude, loud way like Americans, but still with confidence and swagger.

From this, when I got home, I started playing beach volleyball after wanting to for so long and always putting it off. And that turned out great.

1) Keep On Changing
I've been rightly accused of living a complacent existence. I am very aware of this. I have always made excuses for this, the main one being that I enjoy being comfortable. I may not being entirely happy, but I'm for the most part content.

However this is not the way to grow and progress. Standing still will only garner the same results. I would say that my life has been at a relative standstill for the last three years. Granted I have moved on in some ways (getting over my ex, gaining more independence, social life wise), in many ways I feel much hasn't changed. And it's really my own fault. I've never pushed myself out of my comfort zone. It's in those uncomfortable areas do we find out what we're made of.

Change doesn't happen on it's own, you have to make it happen, as against your instincts as this may be.

If you're comfortable, you're standing still. Standing still for too long, is not good.

2) Be Aggressive
So this girl caught my attention when I was there, I could feel myself being way too obvious. Apparently it was obvious to everybody else too. I didn't want to ruin anybody's vacation by making them feel awkward, so I decided to keep my distance.

And I get this, I really do, especially considering the situation, but I remember somebody telling me back at home, that if you see something you want, you should just go for it.

Later on, I'd be told by the same girl that I was too nice, and I should be more aggressive. It's one thing to be told that I'm too nice by girls at home, it's another thing completely to be told the same thing by a girl from another country. It really hit me, even though I was half drunk at the time.

This only re-instilled in my mind, that you should just go for it. It's not the Canadian thing to do. It's not the Asian thing to do. BUT, it's the thing that you should REALLY do. People never regret the things they did, but the chances they never took. Take your shots. Sometimes you land, other times you miss and at worst you get hit back, but at least you're not left with 'what if'.

3) Mistakes Are What Make Life Interesting
This goes back to the point above. When everything goes to plan, it's nice, but it's boring. If you really want something, take the gamble. Short term, it might suck, but long term, you'll at least have an interesting story. Supposedly it builds character.

4) How Much I Love Canada
I love to travel, don't get me wrong. And other places are definitely more socially and culturally interesting. But I don't think I'd be willing to make the trade offs. When I think about the multi-culturalism, the tolerance and acceptance (at least on the surface), the level of safety and the access to amenities and services that are available in Canada (specifically Toronto), I don't think I could live anywhere else.

* On a Much Smaller Note, I Can Still Hold My Liquor
Surprisingly, even though I hardly drink, I can still keep up with uni kids. I mean I still hit it hard maybe two or three times a year, but not nearly as much as I use to. So to me, being able to get Turkish Drunk a few nights in a row, was kinda awesome.

How it Feels to Be a Guy on a Date

A nervous interview with a gorgeous woman. This is exactly what a date/dating can feel like if you really like the other person. At least I think so from a guy's perspective.

You're trying so hard to impress the other person. Doing your best not to screw up and come off goofy or even worse. Yet it seems no matter how hard you try, the screw up seems inevitable, and probably more often than we know.

It always feels efforted, awkward and strained. You may know how you feel, but saying it in a way that comes across well, isn't exactly easy, and being direct can be way too harsh. You want to get your point across, but we wrap it up in humour, charm or other devices as to soften the delivery.

It's because of this, I (and most other guys) have the utmost respect, to the point of envy, of the select guys that are ladies' men. Because they just seem to be able to make it so smooth. As a regular guy, I guess you just have to hope that the other person can look past it, or maybe even find the effort alone endearing, regardless of how it comes off.

It would be nice to get cut some slack, but it just does not appear to be in the cards. And to be fair, us guys can be equally judgemental of girls. Though I wonder from a girl's perspective, is it just as awkward for them? Am I wrong in thinking that they hold all the cards?

*As a side note, Joey sleeps with the interviewer to smooth things over. This simply does not apply in real life.

Purpose...

But, as you well know, appearances can be deceiving, which brings me back to the reason why we're here. We're not here because we're free. We're here because we're not free. There is no escaping reason; no denying purpose. Because as we both know, without purpose, we would not exist.
It is purpose that created us.
Purpose that connects us.
Purpose that pulls us.
That guides us.
That drives us.
It is purpose that defines us.
Purpose that binds us.

- Agent Smith

Agent Smith from The Matrix is probably one of my favourite movie characters of all time. While there is no denying his character is a villainous, he is not one without reason. True he may have been evil, but there was no denying his logic at times. His above quote from the second movie has always stuck in my mind, even all these years later.

I agree with Agent Smith's philosophical quote above, without purpose we would not exist. There must be some meaningful reason for existing, otherwise life is inconsequential. 

I've had a lot of time to think lately, and in some ways I think it's a good thing, in other's not so much. Repeatedly I have been questioning my life and it's purpose. Is there a greater meaning to my life other than breathing? Yes, I have friends and family, but that's not really purpose, they are attachments. My occupation does not greatly benefit or affect other people or society, so that's not it. My hobbies and interests are for self enjoyment alone, so you can cross that off.

I feel lately as if there is a lack of purpose, or optimistically looking at things, I am unaware of my purpose. What is it that I do? Or what is it that I'm meant to do? Is it something which I define or has purpose created me?

Just Have To Keep Telling Myself...

Matt Wertz - Everything Will Be Alright

There's no need to worry baby
We could leave it behind
Most my troubles are self-created
They just live in my mind

Why do we try
When it always ends up fine
Everything will be alright
(Everything will be alright)
Why do we try
When it always ends up fine
Everything will be alright

Tired of spending my days here thinking
Getting lost in my head, oh no but
The sun is shining, oh yeah
Right outside
Why don't we spend some time there instead

Why do we try
When it always ends up fine
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Why do we try
When it always ends up fine
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright

Why do we try
When it always ends up fine
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Why do we try
When it always ends up fine
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Alright alright alright alright
Everything will be alright
Alright alright alright alright
Everything will be alright

The Dating Game

By referencing dating as a game, would mean there's a winner and a loser. At any given point, you can be either ahead or behind (usually in relation to the person you're dating). I have always been against this metaphor, because I hate thinking about it this way. Yet after all this time, I can't help but feel that it's true. There are times when I feel like I'm 'winning' and others when I'm 'losing'.

There are two ways this works. First in reference to yourself in relation to a person you are seeing. It generally goes that whoever is more sought after, is winning. For example, the last, if you want to call it a relationship, sure, I was losing most of the time. Or as my BFF would like to put it, who has the upper hand.

The second way is playing against the field. This goes more along the lines of batting average. It's gotten pretty statistical. Messages to Reply rate, First Date percentage, Second Date percentage, etc... Just like any other form of statistics, the data can be skewed.

Okay so why do I hate the metaphor exactly? It implies gamesmanship as opposed to just acting how you feel. Has the concern become more about winning and losing rather than finding somebody who you enjoy somebody's company? Is saving face more important that putting yourself out there?

Unfortunately it would seem the answer is yes. Every action and decision is deliberate and meant to send a particular message to the other person. Having said this, does anybody actually act based on what they feel?

If I want to message, talk or go out with a girl, I will try to get in touch with them. Forget this whole waiting, just to appear that I am so busy or in demand and have other things going on. Sometimes yes, I am busy, but if I really want something, I'll put it ahead in the priority list. It reminds me of the Friends episode where they suggest Chandler to act aloof. What does that honestly gain him?

I guess once emotions get involved, that's when things get tricky. People waver back and forth as to what to do. BUT I generally think it's a pretty easy decision, people generally know what they feel and what they want to do, it's a matter of having the nerve to do it.

Are people willing to battle so hard as to have the upper hand, to save face, or basically win the game, that they put aside the true objective?

All the Right Moves

At least every week or two, my best friend and I have, what you could call strategy meetings. He takes quite the interest in my dating life.

The conversations go generally like this:

BFF: Hey buddy, how things going?

Me: Pretty good, busy. You?

BFF: It was alright, any dates lately?

Me: Yeah, here and there.

BFF: How'd they go?

Me: One of them was pretty good.

BFF: So how do you want to play it?

Here's where things get interesting. How do you want to play it? What does that exactly entail? When I first started dating again, it was interesting (and yet somewhat disturbing) to hear about the whole strategy of dating. Again, we go back to how it's all a game.*

It seems like every action and decision is deliberate and meant to send a message to the other person. Whatever happened to a simple, I like her, so I'll ask her out again, I don't like her, so I won't ask her out again? But I suppose, what relationship is simple.

It got me thinking, is there a right way and a wrong way to go about things? From speaking to a number of people, I don't know if there's a right and a wrong way, but there are certainly preferences as to how to do things. For instance, if you like a girl a lot, you'd better not show it. I mean WTF is that? If I like somebody, I'm clearly want the other person to know. I've never been one for subtlety, I feel something, it's going to show.

And really, it's more honest. I don't have time (or the patience) for games anymore.

When I look back at things, I always wonder, how could I have done things differently. At the moment I'm clearly thinking about things with the flaky, but in all other ways perfect girl. Did I come on too strong? For her, probably. Should I have kept more of a distance? Maybe.

If I had chosen to do things differently, would the outcome have been different? Would I be happier if I played things differently, but she was still in my life? Is doing what you feel the wrong way to go about it? Is there a right way to play it and a wrong way?

Then I ask, why should I have chosen to do things differently?

But does that really matter?

Shouldn't I just be me? Isn't that the right move?

To put things in the context of a game, it's not about being yourself, it's about winning. But in this game, you want to be yourself. But what if being yourself leads you to losing the game (which so far it has)?

That, in the end, is my dilemma.

*For more about 'the game', I'll talk more about the game in a future post. 

Don't Stop Believin'

No, this entry is not about Journey, or Rock of Ages, or any other pop culture references.

Admittedly, the last few weeks have been a little rough on the ego. A few people who are aware of my situation have even said as much. It's difficult to be on the up and up, and get thrashed around like a rag doll.

I was reading an article about a baseball who use to be one of the better pitchers, but is getting killed this year. It was advice from an older pitcher (from an opposing team) to him. He said something along the lines of, pitch smarter, don't try to get the strikeout on every pitch, but stay aggressive and believe in your stuff.

I've heard more than a few times that I will eventually find somebody. While I understand that people are trying to make me feel better, it never really did. But for some reason, the way the advice given to the pitcher, seemed to strike a chord in me (no pun intended).

For starters (again no put intended), nobody can promise that something will happen. That makes it incredibly difficult for me to take solace in the above line. Why should I believe it? It's not so much advice, as much as it's consolation.

Where this guy's advice to the struggling pitcher affected me was, that it's not that he's saying things will turn around. He doesn't know that. But he believes that the guy's talent, ability and work ethic that should hold up, and he just has to trust that will be enough to make things work out. I guess that's what I have to remember. That no matter how much I get beat up, that if I trust that I'm a good catch (wow, no pun intended again), eventually it'll happen. But I have to keep being aggressive, and putting myself out there. Because if I don't, that's a sure fire way that it won't happen.

Now for those of you that came here looking for Journey, here you go.




Journey - Don't Stop Believing

Just a small town girl

livin in a lonely world

she took the midnight train going anywhere



just a city boy

born and raised in south detroit

he took the midnight train going anywhere



a singer in a smoky room

a smell of wine and cheap perfume
f
or a smile they can share the night

it goes on and on and on and on

(Refrain)


Strangers, waiting, up and down the boulevard

their shadows searching in the night

streetlight people, living just to find emotion

hiding somewhere in the night



working hard to get my fill

everybody wants a thrill

paying anything to roll the dice

just one more time

some will win, some will lose

some were born to sing the blues


oh the movie never ends

it goes on and on and on and on




(Refrain)


Don't stop believing 

hold on to that feeling