It's Not That Bad (I Think?)

Not to sound morbid or anything, but I suppose lately I've been thinking a lot about my own mortality and life. I guess you could say the last couple years haven't been the smoothest, and there's probably been a lot to be down about. Ending of a long term relationship, several failed first date attempts, an emotional short term relationship, still stuck at a job that I am much less than enthusiastic about, a feeling of uselessness in terms of contributing to society, and a general overall feeling of lack of directionless.

If I'm being totally honest, I would be lying if I didn't have at times somewhat of a feeling of failure bordering on depression. I guess I've been thinking about if I were to look back on my life, what would I think about it? What would other people think about it? I suppose I'm really not sure. 

When I see the holidays, it's great, but terrible at the same time. While it's nice to see young couples and families together, I can't help but have a sense of disappointment. Thoughts cross my mind, wondering if I'll ever experience that again. 

While they say that every job has it's ups and downs, is it right to feel as if you're just wasting away? Is my work contributing to anything worthwhile? Long ago, I've already come to the definite conclusion of "nope". Though I guess somebody has to do it (I think), and I need the pay cheque, so it may as well be me.

I guess I thought I always had thought that I'd be much more settled in my life by now. It feels as if that is a measure of how I define success in my life, family and career. And if I were to judge myself at this point, it would be a resounding thumbs down. I wonder what others define the "success" of their lives? I'm certain it's different for everybody.

But when I really think about it, there's a lot that I have that I could lose, and it's really not that bad at all. As tough as it is, I have to look at what I have, and not at what I don't. If I look at it that way, then perhaps I would be happier than I am. I guess that would be my biggest resolution I could make.