Why "A Long December"?

This post is in regards to the previous post of the song A Long December by The Counting Crows.

First off, I started going through a folder I had named "Master MP3" on what was my hard drive just before I made the switch over from Mac/PC to solely Mac, some of the files are 13 years old, craziness.

Back to the point of the story. I started going through the songs and most of them still hold up. I played A Long December, and the lyrics really struck a cord, much more so than any other time I had listened to the song. What I love about revisiting old songs, is how the meaning has changed or evolved for me over time, even though the lyrics remain the same. As per my post from a few weeks ago, 2012 has been a year to forget for me so far. Some interesting things and a couple of good things have happened, but it's been mostly crap.

As I was listening to the song, I couldn't help but have this flood of feelings. I started to wonder what my life would've been life if I had stayed with Shelley.

As I sat by myself in my den, as the song played in the background, I started getting flashbacks. And I couldn't help but get choked up, I had to stop myself from flashing back. People who know how frustrated I was when I was with Shelley ask me how I could miss her if I was so miserable. The fact is, she was a great girlfriend, we were just incompatible.

It's difficult to describe what it is that I miss exactly, I get the feeling people wouldn't be able to understand it if they have not been in a similar situation. It's like trying to describe what it's like to be in love. If I had to make an attempt, it would go something like this. It's not just butterflies and dreamy and all that jazz. That's just attraction. It's not just compatibility or sharing of moments together. You can have that with friends. It's even more than a deep understanding of who you are that, probably more than yourself. You can have that with family. It's really all three, and a lot more, rolled into one person.

People have asked me over the years a few times what I miss. I've never really put it into words, so here goes. Well all of the things above that I mentioned, but you really feel it at random moments. I miss coming home to a smiling face. I miss the little inside jokes that nobody else gets. I miss the random hug from behind if I was working late at home. I miss the little random humourous silly outbursts. I miss the little dances to music from tv commercials and sitcom themes. I miss the little hand gestures, like it's own little sign language. I miss making her stuffed animals peek around the corner to her.

*As I was writing the list above, I started to struggle to remember things. The fact that I am struggling to remember is a good thing I'm sure.

For those of you reading this wondering if I am in not over Shelley, the fact is I am. I know that our relationship could only get to a certain point, and in the end, there were key things we didn't see eye to eye on. When I write for my longing for the above, it's not to say that I want her, as much as to say I'd like to find the one. To have the feeling of the above back, and more.

I am constantly reminded (at least once a week) by my best friend Darren, how envious he is of my life as a bachelor. I think that's seriously messed up. If somebody cannot understand the above, then in my estimation, perhaps they don't know what it is to be in love. Or maybe, they do not to know what it's like to lose it.

PS - I remember the very first MP3 I received was from Shelley back in 1998, it was Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls.