Thursday, November 25, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Random Thought
A watched pot, never boils, but an unwatched pot, boils over. Hmmmmmm.... *scratches head*
Monday, November 22, 2010
Boring is Good?
My life is slowly getting back to "normal". I guess when I mean normal, I mean more like it was a few months ago. Things were slower, a lot more routine, I guess you could call it more boring. I certainly did. It didn't quite feel like being stuck in a rut, but more that there wasn't enough change to keep me interested. I thought that yeah maybe I wanted more excitement in my life, something different and new.
Little did I realize I'd be giving up a few things that I started to take for granted.
For starters, comfort. There's a certain sense of calmness and stability with routine. I know what to expect, when to expect it, and what's coming up ahead. It's like a soft cushy pillow. Secondly is control. There are a lot less variables when the only person I have to worry about is me. And for now, that's just the right amount of worry that I can handle. Returning back to these things, it almost makes me thankful for mundaneness of my life.
As boring as it may seem, I have to say, I kind of enjoy my life. Sure it's not glamourous or exciting, but I've come to realize, that's okay. Maybe it's just not for me.
Little did I realize I'd be giving up a few things that I started to take for granted.
For starters, comfort. There's a certain sense of calmness and stability with routine. I know what to expect, when to expect it, and what's coming up ahead. It's like a soft cushy pillow. Secondly is control. There are a lot less variables when the only person I have to worry about is me. And for now, that's just the right amount of worry that I can handle. Returning back to these things, it almost makes me thankful for mundaneness of my life.
As boring as it may seem, I have to say, I kind of enjoy my life. Sure it's not glamourous or exciting, but I've come to realize, that's okay. Maybe it's just not for me.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
I'm Sorry
I didn't mean to hurt you,
I didn't mean to make you cry,
but now it's time to say goodbye.
The beginning was full of fun and laughter,
how did this become a full blown disaster?
One month of bliss, one month of trouble
had me wondering if I was seeing double.
My feelings were so real,
it felt like nothing else mattered,
But soon enough the truth came out,
and all my dreams were shattered
Up and down I would go,
on an emotional rollercoaster, that wouldn't slow.
I tried my best to hit the brakes,
even still, you would not wait.
I played along, and told you what you wanted to hear.
Without considering all my reservations and my fear.
To promise you forever after six dates, I know I lied.
It was out of the question, I was hoping you'd come to realize.
I thought I knew who you really were,
but soon words came to mind, like "moody and insecure".
What was once smooth had become so tough,
The Beatles were wrong, love is not enough.
I will miss you dearly, for all that it's worth.
A heart and passion that burned, like a fiery hearth.
Your smile would light me, in a blink of an eye.
Your voice so sweet, giving me a high.
It truly does make me sad.
It's unfortunate you have to throw out the good with the bad.
It's not your fault, and it's not mine,
this was bound to happen over time.
I wish you could read this poem, maybe it would help you heal,
only then maybe you could understand how I truly feel.
I never meant for this to happen, and wish you all the best.
Now it's time for "us", to take its final rest.
After all this, I hope you can hold your head high,
I can only say I'm sorry, that I love you and a very sad goodbye.
I didn't mean to make you cry,
but now it's time to say goodbye.
The beginning was full of fun and laughter,
how did this become a full blown disaster?
One month of bliss, one month of trouble
had me wondering if I was seeing double.
My feelings were so real,
it felt like nothing else mattered,
But soon enough the truth came out,
and all my dreams were shattered
Up and down I would go,
on an emotional rollercoaster, that wouldn't slow.
I tried my best to hit the brakes,
even still, you would not wait.
I played along, and told you what you wanted to hear.
Without considering all my reservations and my fear.
To promise you forever after six dates, I know I lied.
It was out of the question, I was hoping you'd come to realize.
I thought I knew who you really were,
but soon words came to mind, like "moody and insecure".
What was once smooth had become so tough,
The Beatles were wrong, love is not enough.
I will miss you dearly, for all that it's worth.
A heart and passion that burned, like a fiery hearth.
Your smile would light me, in a blink of an eye.
Your voice so sweet, giving me a high.
It truly does make me sad.
It's unfortunate you have to throw out the good with the bad.
It's not your fault, and it's not mine,
this was bound to happen over time.
I wish you could read this poem, maybe it would help you heal,
only then maybe you could understand how I truly feel.
I never meant for this to happen, and wish you all the best.
Now it's time for "us", to take its final rest.
After all this, I hope you can hold your head high,
I can only say I'm sorry, that I love you and a very sad goodbye.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Lessons Learned
Lately I've been in a cataloguing mood.
So I've decided to list a bunch of lessons I've learned and keep a list to remind myself. I thought about doing this early, and have been putting it off, but now's as good a time as any.
01) Just because you love somebody, doesn't mean you can live with them.
02) Loving somebody's company is different than loving the person themselves.
03) Being alone is better than being with the wrong person.
04) Trying and failing, is better than the failure to try.
05) Looking back you always regret the things you didn't do, and not the things you did.
06) Stay hungry, it's the only way to grow. Stay stupid, it's the only way to learn.
07) Life is not about being perfect, it's about being yourself. Perfect is boring, people are interesting.
08) In the end, happiness is in your own hands and nobody else's.
09) Everyday there is the potential of change.
10) The goal of everyday, is to be better than yesterday.
11) Everybody is different, not better or worse, just different.
12) Simple is always better. Complicated takes too much work.
13) Live as stress-free as possible, why make life more difficult than it already is.
14) Let the people that are important to you know that they are, because they won't always be around to hear it.
15) Be open to new ideas, but consider past experience.
16) The older generation aren't always right, but they sure are more experienced. Keep that in mind.
17) Only worry about what you can control, everything else isn't up to you, and worrying about it, isn't going to help.
18) There will always be people who are better, more talented, but don't let people outwork you.
19) Work hard, but remember to work smart. Otherwise you could be wasting a lot of energy.
20) Many of the truths we cling to, depend greatly on our own point of view. (courtesy of Obi-Wan Kenobi)
21) Success is highly dependent on luck and timing. Putting yourself in the right position will increase your chances. But one must also be prepared to take advantage when the opportunity arises.
22) Be honest with yourself.
23) You have to know yourself before anybody else can get to know you.
24) Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. "Easy" doesn't enter into grown-up life. (courtesy of the movie The Weather Man)
25) At the end of the day, most things don't matter, but the things that do, matter a whole lot.
26) Because you can be anyone for anybody, and they'll like you but you'll never be truly happy. (courtesy of Darren)
27) Don't think you are, know you are. (courtesy of Morpheus)
28) You know you're overdue when you just don't care anymore.
29) Always use the appropriate amount of force. You don't use a sledgehammer to hang a photo do you?
30) Knowledge can be obtained, but wisdom only comes with age.
31)
32)
33)
34)
35)
So I've decided to list a bunch of lessons I've learned and keep a list to remind myself. I thought about doing this early, and have been putting it off, but now's as good a time as any.
01) Just because you love somebody, doesn't mean you can live with them.
02) Loving somebody's company is different than loving the person themselves.
03) Being alone is better than being with the wrong person.
04) Trying and failing, is better than the failure to try.
05) Looking back you always regret the things you didn't do, and not the things you did.
06) Stay hungry, it's the only way to grow. Stay stupid, it's the only way to learn.
07) Life is not about being perfect, it's about being yourself. Perfect is boring, people are interesting.
08) In the end, happiness is in your own hands and nobody else's.
09) Everyday there is the potential of change.
10) The goal of everyday, is to be better than yesterday.
11) Everybody is different, not better or worse, just different.
12) Simple is always better. Complicated takes too much work.
13) Live as stress-free as possible, why make life more difficult than it already is.
14) Let the people that are important to you know that they are, because they won't always be around to hear it.
15) Be open to new ideas, but consider past experience.
16) The older generation aren't always right, but they sure are more experienced. Keep that in mind.
17) Only worry about what you can control, everything else isn't up to you, and worrying about it, isn't going to help.
18) There will always be people who are better, more talented, but don't let people outwork you.
19) Work hard, but remember to work smart. Otherwise you could be wasting a lot of energy.
20) Many of the truths we cling to, depend greatly on our own point of view. (courtesy of Obi-Wan Kenobi)
21) Success is highly dependent on luck and timing. Putting yourself in the right position will increase your chances. But one must also be prepared to take advantage when the opportunity arises.
22) Be honest with yourself.
23) You have to know yourself before anybody else can get to know you.
24) Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. "Easy" doesn't enter into grown-up life. (courtesy of the movie The Weather Man)
25) At the end of the day, most things don't matter, but the things that do, matter a whole lot.
26) Because you can be anyone for anybody, and they'll like you but you'll never be truly happy. (courtesy of Darren)
27) Don't think you are, know you are. (courtesy of Morpheus)
28) You know you're overdue when you just don't care anymore.
29) Always use the appropriate amount of force. You don't use a sledgehammer to hang a photo do you?
30) Knowledge can be obtained, but wisdom only comes with age.
31)
32)
33)
34)
35)
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Chemisty is Not Enough :(
A bitter lesson was learned. After spending the past two months with a particular somebody, it has unfortunately come to an end. It was my choice, and being the person to end things, I realize how tough it can be on this side of things.
As quickly as it rose, it fell. While at first things seemed so promising, the decline was just as deflating.
I suppose chemistry only goes so far. You can have fun with somebody, but at the end of the day, you need to have more than that. Yes she was fun, spontaneous, lived life to the fullest, witty, silly, thoughtful and kind. But on the flip side, she was also rough, blunt, intolerant, short-tempered, jealous and obsessive.
I was told that I was focusing too much on the negative, but you have to look at the relationship as a whole. I've fallen into that too often, looking only at the positive, turning a blind eye to the negative. In the end the only thing I did was hold in feelings and live in denial about the situation. Sure I could've enjoyed the good times and do my best to ignore the bad, but after 2 months, how much bad should there be?
I understand there will be disagreements and fights, but how could things go so up and down in less than 100 days? What sort of future would that relationship hold?
I really don't get how people can go through this carousel over and over again. A cycle of ultimate highs and lows. It's frustrating, demoralizing and feels like self torture. I suppose they say it's worth it in the end, but right now it certainly doesn't feel like it.
Even through all of this, I question if I did the right thing. Will I be the one that got away or will she be the one that I let go too early? I suppose time will tell, but in either case it hurts. I'm sad and upset and emotional, but I'm also calm and not mad at all. What does that mean? I'm hoping it means I'm doing what's right in the end.
The actual break up went remarkably well I guess. There was crying and tears (on her part), but there was also reflection and apologies and laughter. And that's what gets me, even during the relationship's darkest hour, there was still laughter. I've been told that once I make a decision, I should only look forward and never look back. But how can you do that, when even with all the bad, there was still so much good.
FLEETWOOD MAC - DON'T STOP
If you wake up and don't want to smile,
If it takes just a little while,
Open your eyes and look at the day,
You'll see things in a different way.
Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
Why not think about times to come,
And not about the things that you've done,
If your life was bad to you,
Just think what tomorrow will do.
Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
All I want is to see you smile,
If it takes just a little while,
I know you don't believe that it's true,
I never meant any harm to you.
Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
Don't you look back,
Don't you look back.
As quickly as it rose, it fell. While at first things seemed so promising, the decline was just as deflating.
I suppose chemistry only goes so far. You can have fun with somebody, but at the end of the day, you need to have more than that. Yes she was fun, spontaneous, lived life to the fullest, witty, silly, thoughtful and kind. But on the flip side, she was also rough, blunt, intolerant, short-tempered, jealous and obsessive.
I was told that I was focusing too much on the negative, but you have to look at the relationship as a whole. I've fallen into that too often, looking only at the positive, turning a blind eye to the negative. In the end the only thing I did was hold in feelings and live in denial about the situation. Sure I could've enjoyed the good times and do my best to ignore the bad, but after 2 months, how much bad should there be?
I understand there will be disagreements and fights, but how could things go so up and down in less than 100 days? What sort of future would that relationship hold?
I really don't get how people can go through this carousel over and over again. A cycle of ultimate highs and lows. It's frustrating, demoralizing and feels like self torture. I suppose they say it's worth it in the end, but right now it certainly doesn't feel like it.
Even through all of this, I question if I did the right thing. Will I be the one that got away or will she be the one that I let go too early? I suppose time will tell, but in either case it hurts. I'm sad and upset and emotional, but I'm also calm and not mad at all. What does that mean? I'm hoping it means I'm doing what's right in the end.
The actual break up went remarkably well I guess. There was crying and tears (on her part), but there was also reflection and apologies and laughter. And that's what gets me, even during the relationship's darkest hour, there was still laughter. I've been told that once I make a decision, I should only look forward and never look back. But how can you do that, when even with all the bad, there was still so much good.
FLEETWOOD MAC - DON'T STOP
If you wake up and don't want to smile,
If it takes just a little while,
Open your eyes and look at the day,
You'll see things in a different way.
Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
Why not think about times to come,
And not about the things that you've done,
If your life was bad to you,
Just think what tomorrow will do.
Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
All I want is to see you smile,
If it takes just a little while,
I know you don't believe that it's true,
I never meant any harm to you.
Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
Don't you look back,
Don't you look back.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Soundtrack of My Life - Part 4
After much thought, I've decided to list "The Soundtrack of My Life". Yeah there'll certainly be some terrible stuff on here, but oh well, it's part of my life. In no particular order, the artist and song or album will appear, with reasoning below:
NOTE: This post is on-going, it would take forever to catalogue everything and why, so stay tuned!
Oasis - What's the Story Morning Glory (Album)
The band and album that would be the beginning of my semi-obsession with Brit-Rock/Brit-Pop. Wonderwall was the non-ballad ballad that's become a classic. With Noel's Beatles-esque writing formula, and Liam's whiney voice, it had me hooked. It's simple (Don't Look Back in Anger), complex (Champagne Supernova), loud (Hello), romantic (Wonderwall), depressing (Cast No Shadow), angry (Morning Glory) amongst other things all at once. If I had one album to define high school for me, it would be this album.
Aerosmith - Nine Lives (Album)
My introduction into "real" American rock. Though way past their prime (Toys in the Attic, Back in the Saddle, etc...), it was also past their campy 80s (Dude Looks Like a Lady, Angel, Deuces are Wild).
Puff Daddy - No Way Out (Album)
An unfortunate introduction to hip hop. When there were much better options available, somehow No Way Out became hip hop for the masses. This was beginning, if not close to, of the change of direction of hip hop's message of "life on the streets" to "cash/money, hoes". IMO, Puff Daddy cashed in on his friend (and much better rapper) Notorious BIG's death with his so-called tribute album. For better or worse, Mo Money Mo Problems was the "song of the year" my graduating year.
Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head (Album)
While Parachutes was amazing in its own right, A Rush of Blood to the Head was in a league of its own. I can't think of any other album, where songs 1-5 (Politik, In My Place, God Put a Smile on Your Face, The Scientist, Clocks) are incredible. While Parachutes didn't include any clunkers (Daylight, A Whisper I could've really done without), it was not nearly as emotionally charged.
Bob Schneider - I'm Good Now (Album)
An album with songs about life and acceptance. A feel good album without being preachy or bouncy. Serious and introspective, yet remains fun and upbeat. What life should be...
John Mayer - Continuum (Album)
While he might be the biggest douchebag in music, and his lyrics ultra shmaltzy, he still is a decent singer and super talented guitarist. At his worst, he's commercial, empty, and tries too hard. And at his best, (and this album really is him at his best for the most part), he's introspective, thoughtful and emotive.
Fleetwood Mac - The Dance (Album)
The long awaited reunion of Fleetwood Mac's strongest line up of Fleetwood, McVie, McVie, Nicks, Buckingham. While I wasn't old enough to experience the original classic album Rumours, The Dance brings the players together again, older, reconciled and retrospective. The songs are just as amazing as the originals, and in some ways even better, now that they are sung from a much more experienced place.
Michael Jackson - Thriller
Single after single, his sound is just as relevant and holds up today. As a person, yeah kinda creepy, but we'll never know for sure, but as a singer, performer and artist, a cultural phenomenon, the influence is still felt today. I'll take Billie Jean over anything that Usher, Ne-yo, Chris Brown, Justin Timberlake, etc... can throw out.
Zero 7 - Simple Things (Album)
Best album to just chill out to, great for evenings after work, or lazy sundays.
Paolo Nutini - These Streets (Album)
A young man's documentation of ranges of experiences dealing with love, written in song.
Franz Ferdinand - Fire (Song)
An angry song that I can get on board with. It perfectly describes (at least to me), anger/rage.
Travis - Flowers in the Window (Song)
A love song I can get on board with. Until I heard the story behind the song... oh well.
Travis - Re-Offender (Song)
If you've ever been with somebody only to have the same issues occur over and over again, this song's for you.
Jamiroquai - Virtual Insanity (Song)
The song is great, but the music video is one of the most memorable.
Van Halen - Right Now (Song)
The piano intro alone is enough, but the song was one of the first with a message that hit me. Also amazing music video.
Stone Temple Pilots - Interstate Love Song (Song)
One of the only times you see Scott Weiland's vulnerable, softer side.
Tom Petty - Walls (Song)
"Some days are diamonds, some days are rocks" nuff said
Johnny Cash - Hurt (Song)
We'll call this my "crying song", because I can't help but get emotional when I hear it. If you haven't seen the music video, go on youtube and watch it now.
No Doubt - Don't Speak (Song)
The quintessential break up song in high school (and to this day I think). No Doubt's only classic off their multi hit Tragic Kingdom. Gwen Stefani should go back to writing about life, and stop writing songs with lyrics like, B-A-N-A-N-A-S (though I have to admit, I find that song super catchy).
NOTE: This post is on-going, it would take forever to catalogue everything and why, so stay tuned!
Oasis - What's the Story Morning Glory (Album)
The band and album that would be the beginning of my semi-obsession with Brit-Rock/Brit-Pop. Wonderwall was the non-ballad ballad that's become a classic. With Noel's Beatles-esque writing formula, and Liam's whiney voice, it had me hooked. It's simple (Don't Look Back in Anger), complex (Champagne Supernova), loud (Hello), romantic (Wonderwall), depressing (Cast No Shadow), angry (Morning Glory) amongst other things all at once. If I had one album to define high school for me, it would be this album.
Aerosmith - Nine Lives (Album)
My introduction into "real" American rock. Though way past their prime (Toys in the Attic, Back in the Saddle, etc...), it was also past their campy 80s (Dude Looks Like a Lady, Angel, Deuces are Wild).
Puff Daddy - No Way Out (Album)
An unfortunate introduction to hip hop. When there were much better options available, somehow No Way Out became hip hop for the masses. This was beginning, if not close to, of the change of direction of hip hop's message of "life on the streets" to "cash/money, hoes". IMO, Puff Daddy cashed in on his friend (and much better rapper) Notorious BIG's death with his so-called tribute album. For better or worse, Mo Money Mo Problems was the "song of the year" my graduating year.
Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head (Album)
While Parachutes was amazing in its own right, A Rush of Blood to the Head was in a league of its own. I can't think of any other album, where songs 1-5 (Politik, In My Place, God Put a Smile on Your Face, The Scientist, Clocks) are incredible. While Parachutes didn't include any clunkers (Daylight, A Whisper I could've really done without), it was not nearly as emotionally charged.
Bob Schneider - I'm Good Now (Album)
An album with songs about life and acceptance. A feel good album without being preachy or bouncy. Serious and introspective, yet remains fun and upbeat. What life should be...
John Mayer - Continuum (Album)
While he might be the biggest douchebag in music, and his lyrics ultra shmaltzy, he still is a decent singer and super talented guitarist. At his worst, he's commercial, empty, and tries too hard. And at his best, (and this album really is him at his best for the most part), he's introspective, thoughtful and emotive.
Fleetwood Mac - The Dance (Album)
The long awaited reunion of Fleetwood Mac's strongest line up of Fleetwood, McVie, McVie, Nicks, Buckingham. While I wasn't old enough to experience the original classic album Rumours, The Dance brings the players together again, older, reconciled and retrospective. The songs are just as amazing as the originals, and in some ways even better, now that they are sung from a much more experienced place.
Michael Jackson - Thriller
Single after single, his sound is just as relevant and holds up today. As a person, yeah kinda creepy, but we'll never know for sure, but as a singer, performer and artist, a cultural phenomenon, the influence is still felt today. I'll take Billie Jean over anything that Usher, Ne-yo, Chris Brown, Justin Timberlake, etc... can throw out.
Zero 7 - Simple Things (Album)
Best album to just chill out to, great for evenings after work, or lazy sundays.
Paolo Nutini - These Streets (Album)
A young man's documentation of ranges of experiences dealing with love, written in song.
Franz Ferdinand - Fire (Song)
An angry song that I can get on board with. It perfectly describes (at least to me), anger/rage.
Travis - Flowers in the Window (Song)
A love song I can get on board with. Until I heard the story behind the song... oh well.
Travis - Re-Offender (Song)
If you've ever been with somebody only to have the same issues occur over and over again, this song's for you.
Jamiroquai - Virtual Insanity (Song)
The song is great, but the music video is one of the most memorable.
Van Halen - Right Now (Song)
The piano intro alone is enough, but the song was one of the first with a message that hit me. Also amazing music video.
Stone Temple Pilots - Interstate Love Song (Song)
One of the only times you see Scott Weiland's vulnerable, softer side.
Tom Petty - Walls (Song)
"Some days are diamonds, some days are rocks" nuff said
Johnny Cash - Hurt (Song)
We'll call this my "crying song", because I can't help but get emotional when I hear it. If you haven't seen the music video, go on youtube and watch it now.
No Doubt - Don't Speak (Song)
The quintessential break up song in high school (and to this day I think). No Doubt's only classic off their multi hit Tragic Kingdom. Gwen Stefani should go back to writing about life, and stop writing songs with lyrics like, B-A-N-A-N-A-S (though I have to admit, I find that song super catchy).
Who am I... Part 2
I have always loved watching Mad Men, even before all the rage, I was a huge fan from day one. After extensive viewings of Mad Men, now just finishing its 4th season, I've come to realize why I have such an interest in the show's main character Don Draper. He is a man who lives multiple lives. He is a slick ad man of NYC. He's also a family man, with a beautiful wife and 2 kids. He's a man who seems to have it all. But as the show progresses you also find out he's a womanizer, an adulterer, an alcoholic, a man of his vices, insecure, temperamental and many other surprising things.
I feel much like Draper, I have fallen into a world of different lives. A face for different scenarios and different people. Faces that play into those situations, I suppose in my thoughts were to my advantage. At different stages, I've been the nice guy, the outgoing guy, the quiet guy, the sensitive guy, the funny guy and so on. I suppose you could argue that I'm all of the above and none of the above. I feel like I've come to a point where I've played so many roles to different people and different situations, do I even know myself anymore?
Because of this, I hate the question 'so tell me about yourself'.
After having such a restrictive lifestyle for the past 15 years (5 years badminton, 10 years relationship), Unlike many people my age, I have never had the opportunity to have self discovery and exploration. Now before anybody starts on how relationships/commitments don't have to be that way, let me put it this way. You're always with somebody, so you're always considering them in what you do. As a couple, you become a single entity comprised of two people, where both people always consider one another. To be single, is a completely different experience.
In some ways I feel like an adult, having gone through an long term commitment to somebody or something, and the things that go along with that (dedication to a craft, sacrificing wants for future needs, accustomed to routine, the allocation of resources, etc...).
In other ways I feel so behind most people, generally in terms of range of experiences, preferences and tastes, general self-affirmation and sense of self. I feel as if I missed out on my years to be irresponsible, to act solely on emotion, to be reckless without thought of repercussion, to push the bounds to find out my comfort zone.
With this new found freedom, I find myself floating adrift internally in terms of personality and identity. From what I have seen, it appears too late to try to have those freewheeling ways. Perhaps it's just not in my personality. Am I meant to be a settled, homebody, who enjoys the constant?
Having the disposition of people pleaser and agreeable (usually), I find myself easily molded into whatever the situation may ask of me. But this has also lead to me being a pushover, a person of no opinion, somebody without a position. While I hate to disappoint others, and I do my best not to, I find I am continually disappointing myself. Sacrificing my opinions and my beliefs. Perhaps it is time that I take a stand for what I believe (if I even know what I believe anymore). To do every action with reason and conviction. To be unapologetic. To live my life for me, and not for other people.
I feel much like Draper, I have fallen into a world of different lives. A face for different scenarios and different people. Faces that play into those situations, I suppose in my thoughts were to my advantage. At different stages, I've been the nice guy, the outgoing guy, the quiet guy, the sensitive guy, the funny guy and so on. I suppose you could argue that I'm all of the above and none of the above. I feel like I've come to a point where I've played so many roles to different people and different situations, do I even know myself anymore?
Because of this, I hate the question 'so tell me about yourself'.
After having such a restrictive lifestyle for the past 15 years (5 years badminton, 10 years relationship), Unlike many people my age, I have never had the opportunity to have self discovery and exploration. Now before anybody starts on how relationships/commitments don't have to be that way, let me put it this way. You're always with somebody, so you're always considering them in what you do. As a couple, you become a single entity comprised of two people, where both people always consider one another. To be single, is a completely different experience.
In some ways I feel like an adult, having gone through an long term commitment to somebody or something, and the things that go along with that (dedication to a craft, sacrificing wants for future needs, accustomed to routine, the allocation of resources, etc...).
In other ways I feel so behind most people, generally in terms of range of experiences, preferences and tastes, general self-affirmation and sense of self. I feel as if I missed out on my years to be irresponsible, to act solely on emotion, to be reckless without thought of repercussion, to push the bounds to find out my comfort zone.
With this new found freedom, I find myself floating adrift internally in terms of personality and identity. From what I have seen, it appears too late to try to have those freewheeling ways. Perhaps it's just not in my personality. Am I meant to be a settled, homebody, who enjoys the constant?
Having the disposition of people pleaser and agreeable (usually), I find myself easily molded into whatever the situation may ask of me. But this has also lead to me being a pushover, a person of no opinion, somebody without a position. While I hate to disappoint others, and I do my best not to, I find I am continually disappointing myself. Sacrificing my opinions and my beliefs. Perhaps it is time that I take a stand for what I believe (if I even know what I believe anymore). To do every action with reason and conviction. To be unapologetic. To live my life for me, and not for other people.
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