Who am I... Part 2

I have always loved watching Mad Men, even before all the rage, I was a huge fan from day one. After extensive viewings of Mad Men, now just finishing its 4th season, I've come to realize why I have such an interest in the show's main character Don Draper. He is a man who lives multiple lives. He is a slick ad man of NYC. He's also a family man, with a beautiful wife and 2 kids. He's a man who seems to have it all. But as the show progresses you also find out he's a womanizer, an adulterer, an alcoholic, a man of his vices, insecure, temperamental and many other surprising things.

I feel much like Draper, I have fallen into a world of different lives. A face for different scenarios and different people. Faces that play into those situations, I suppose in my thoughts were to my advantage. At different stages, I've been the nice guy, the outgoing guy, the quiet guy, the sensitive guy, the funny guy and so on. I suppose you could argue that I'm all of the above and none of the above. I feel like I've come to a point where I've played so many roles to different people and different situations, do I even know myself anymore?

Because of this, I hate the question 'so tell me about yourself'.

After having such a restrictive lifestyle for the past 15 years (5 years badminton, 10 years relationship), Unlike many people my age, I have never had the opportunity to have self discovery and exploration. Now before anybody starts on how relationships/commitments don't have to be that way, let me put it this way. You're always with somebody, so you're always considering them in what you do. As a couple, you become a single entity comprised of two people, where both people always consider one another. To be single, is a completely different experience.

In some ways I feel like an adult, having gone through an long term commitment to somebody or something, and the things that go along with that (dedication to a craft, sacrificing wants for future needs, accustomed to routine, the allocation of resources, etc...).

In other ways I feel so behind most people, generally in terms of range of experiences, preferences and tastes, general self-affirmation and sense of self. I feel as if I missed out on my years to be irresponsible, to act solely on emotion, to be reckless without thought of repercussion, to push the bounds to find out my comfort zone.

With this new found freedom, I find myself floating adrift internally in terms of personality and identity. From what I have seen, it appears too late to try to have those freewheeling ways. Perhaps it's just not in my personality. Am I meant to be a settled, homebody, who enjoys the constant?

Having the disposition of people pleaser and agreeable (usually), I find myself easily molded into whatever the situation may ask of me. But this has also lead to me being a pushover, a person of no opinion, somebody without a position. While I hate to disappoint others, and I do my best not to, I find I am continually disappointing myself. Sacrificing my opinions and my beliefs. Perhaps it is time that I take a stand for what I believe (if I even know what I believe anymore). To do every action with reason and conviction. To be unapologetic. To live my life for me, and not for other people.